The fullness of peace

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you.” John 14:27

Over the years, I have encountered a common phenomena when discerning and making decisions. Well-meaning individuals will ask me, “What brings you the greatest peace?” or “Do you have peace?” or “If it doesn’t bring you peace, it isn’t the right decision.” In actuality, what they have been asking me is simply, “What feels best?”.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with anxiety (yes, like most of America). I am a perfectionist, fairly scrupulous, and riddled with fear of making the wrong decision. And while part of this speaks to deep roots of my own faulty nature as human, the other part begroans simple anxiety as a mental health condition.

In college, I was a Psychology major and was fascinated with the brain and how it works. I toyed with the idea of getting a PhD, but due to my own procrastination, I landed in law school. Aside from theology, my favorite subject to study and read is psychology, and when I was younger, you’d often find me sitting in the corner of a book store with a self-help book.

I’ve had a therapist mostly since I was a teenager, and I have found great satisfaction in watching myself grow and change. Indeed, “to live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.” St. John Henry Newman. And there have been many of times in my life in which I have found myself faced with a large decision to which I have asked myself time and time again, “Which decision brings me the most ‘peace’?”. Yet, as I look back on my life, I am reminded of how flawed my question was simply because I wasn’t asking it through the right lens.

Addressing an audience on the subject of peace this week as defined by our culture, Pope Francis said, “This is a modern, psychological and more subjective idea. Peace is commonly thought to be quiet, harmony, internal balance. This … meaning is incomplete and cannot be absolutized, because restlessness can be an important moment of growth in life.” Continuing, “Many times it is the Lord himself who sows uneasiness in us to go to meet him, to find him,” the pope stated.

“It can happen that inner tranquility corresponds to a domesticated conscience and not to a true spiritual redemption. Many times the Lord must be a ‘sign of contradiction’, shaking our false certainties, to bring us to salvation. And at that moment there seems to be no peace, but it is the Lord who puts us on this path to reach the peace that He himself will give us,” Pope Francis added. “True shalom and true inner balance flow from the peace of Christ, which comes from his Cross and generates a new humanity, embodied in an infinite host of inventive and creative saints, who have always devised new ways to love,” the pope said.

It wasn’t until quite some time after seeking spiritual direction that I realized how flawed my views on life were. The questions surrounding my choices weren’t supposed to be mired with feelings. I was failing to see that my questions were looking for answers that would plunge me into the depths of true growth in holiness. As I embarked on a journey of asking myself how we went wrong in our society, I realized that we have been missing the whole point. How do we misuse the word “peace” as individuals? Where are we chalking it up to the “right decision”, rather than seeing how or where we are avoiding true holiness?

I remember praying for a sign one time and within 24 hours, I received what I thought was the answer. I was convinced this was the right decision but within a few months, God had slammed the door. Calling my spiritual director, I said, “But, the roses…that’s what I prayed for! What am I missing here?” Not skipping a beat, he said, “Well, I guess the devil knows where a florist is, also.” Speechless, I just sat there. In my moment of “certainty”, I was convinced I had peace. This was it, and God was answering me. Yet, when I look back on that moment, I recognize that my peace wasn’t shalom; rather, it was comfort. I had an answer and that was better than waiting for one…or so I thought.

When I was simply going to therapy and not seeking spiritual direction, my decisions were often made based on how I best felt. I remember discussing a tough choice with a therapist once and sharing the fears I had pertaining to the issue. He told me, “You don’t have to take on this struggle.” While I believe his advice was solid, it wasn’t complete. My spiritual director, rather, would have said, “While we do not need to pray for more crosses, or look for more of them to take upon ourselves, our role as children of God is to embrace the crosses He sends our way. We need to discern whether this is a cross God is asking you to carry, a weight that will make you holier through the process.”

As someone who’s anxiety exists in both a mental and spiritual dimension, I have found spiritual direction combined with therapy to be essential for my own life. But the critical question I’ve had to ask myself when seeking a therapist and spiritual director is whether each individual will ultimately encourage or hinder my own growth in this life. I am responsible for who I let guide me, for, as St. Thomas Aquinas said, “To know whom to avoid is a great means of saving our souls.”

God has continued to remind me over the years and through every decision I make that He is beside me. There are days that are lighter than others and that don’t require a major choice. But on the days when I am faced with the opportunity to exercise my free will in a way that can truly change the trajectory of my life, I am reminded to seek a peace that points me Heavenward rather than towards what feels easiest…most comfortable.